We had been separated a few months for the umpteenth time when I received a call from a mutual friend around 20.00pm one evening to say that he was on his way to my home and that he was very intoxicated and in a strange mood.
I had experienced this so many times and I knew what this meant, it meant trouble. I went into my girls bedroom to check on them they were still very young, thank goodness they were fast asleep, hopefully they would be spared tonight, a short while later I heard his motor car pull up at the house.
He came in through the kitchen, I could not prevent him from coming in because if I did he would create a scene which would wake my girls up and the neighbours would hear, so when he approached the kitchen door I let him in, he said he wanted to talk, this was not the first time he had been back to the house since he had moved out but there was something different about his mood tonight.
After another manipulating sob story of how very sorry he was this time and things will be different he promised, he asked for a glass of water. By this time we were in the lounge, I went and got him a glass of water and when I looked for him to give him the water I found him standing in the bedroom. I gave him the water and I asked him to please go back to the lounge as this was it, there was never going to be another chance.
He did not make any effort to go back to the lounge, instead he put his hand in his pocket and took out his medication which I knew were antidepressants and sleeping pills, and then he said;
“I am going to drink all these pills and you know that it will kill me, I will die on ‘our’ bed and every time you f…. another man on ‘our’ bed I will haunt you, I will haunt you for the rest of your life.”
With that said he swallowed the handful of medication.
I asked him if he wanted me to phone an ambulance to which he said no
I said "are you sure, are you absolutely sure?” he said “no”. I went to the back door and called my children’s nanny and said "there is trouble please just make sure the girls are okay," she went into the girls room and I closed the door.
I immediately phoned his best friend and told him what he had done and that if he wanted to save his friend he could, that I was done with his manipulation. When I got off the phone he was sitting on the bed and just kept saying “I will haunt you for the rest of your f……. life”
A short while later his friend arrived, he had phoned the ambulance services immediately after my call. I was talking to him in the kitchen when we heard a loud thud, the ex had become unconscious and fallen off the bed just as the paramedics arrived, I told them what had happened and gave them the pill bottles, he was lying on his side and he looked dead, I was scared. As much as I refused to phone for an ambulance I did not want him to die.
They went into the bedroom and I went into the children's bedroom as I heard the girls voices, I did not want them to come out of the room and see all this. As I came out of their room I saw the paramedics had ripped his shirt off and were applying electronic shocks to his chest, he was laying on his back and was completely unresponsive. My stealth had disappeared and I became gripped with fear, I thought that he was really dead.
I have no idea how long it was but somebody eventually said “we have a heartbeat”. They had by this time also put a drip up. As soon as they thought he was stable enough they very quickly put him on a stretcher, loaded him into the ambulance and whisked him off to The Glynwood private hospital.
His friend and I spoke for a short while before going to the hospital to fill in the forms, I said to his friend, It might seem like it was a absurd and I was heartless but after uttering those haunting threats, I stood at a cross road. I chose to break free from the chains of abuse severing the toxic ties that bound me. The consequences could have been severe but it was a pivotal moment of liberation.
To those reading this I know this might not make sense to you, it does seem an odd response in a life and death situation but when you have been physically, emotionally, mentally and financially abused for years one's rationality is very different.
His grandfather passed away in front of me on the way to the operating theatre less than a year prior to that, he was nowhere to be seen, everything was my responsibility, that very night he said he was leaving me, can you imagine.
His grandmother begged him not to leave, I begged him not to leave but he was resolute, he said he no longer loved me. I felt completely rejected and unworthy. What a time to leave, what a time to express he no longer loved me or wanted to be married to me.
My youngest was only two years old and my other daughter 3 at the time. I had to be there emotionally for his grandmother as I had to arrange his grandfather’s funeral, neither of them spoke English as they had retired here from Germany not even a year earlier and conveniently placed near to where I lived, by him and his family, no consideration for the fact I that I had to work and I had two young children. It became my responsibility to take them to the shops, to the doctor and to check up on them.
After this incident I moved in with my sister and her family, myself, my daughters, my cats and dogs. The one night he came and stole my Standard Poodle and St Bernard, I woke up in the morning and my dogs were gone, I was besides myself and wondered if he had taken them but thought that somebody had stolen them. Just then the same mutual friend phoned me to say he had taken them, he stole them in the dead of night and he took them to her house, I immediately drove to Benoni to fetch them. He then disappeared for about six weeks, no contact what so ever.
I had to go for counselling I was falling apart. back in those days Radio 702 had a clinic near town, I went for counselling there for three months and I was just getting stronger when one night I was out with a mutual friend and had met a fabulous guy that night. We only chattered but he did contact me again. We had made arrangements to go to the Vaal Dam, the day before my ex came to my sister's house and after not seeing him for over six weeks he had the audacity to lecture me about other men, needless to say we had a huge fight. He just wanted to see the girls, so I went inside to get the girls which my sister and brother in law were guarding fiercely, my eldest was his favourite and just after she ran to him and jumped into his arms, he ran down the road with her. My sister ran after him, I had never seen my sister run so fast and she managed to grab him and hold him till I could get my daughter back. He did because another mutual friend had told him about this guy I had met as I was out with her when I met him. Needless to say I never saw the guy again out of fear of what my ex would do. Unbeknown to me my ex had moved in with a woman yet here he was aggrieved that I had met a man socially, nothing even serious.
I did go back to him eventually, he was admitted to hospital with a ‘breakdown’ and between him and his mother they convinced me that he needed me and his children, that he had realised his mistakes. Little did I know at the time that he had been living with another woman during those months we separated. I did mention to his mother was that I suspected he was on drugs and she asked the doctor to test for drugs while he was in hospital. When he came out of hospital he was okay for three weeks and then it started all over again, he wrote another car off whilst drunk, he would go to work on a Friday morning and come home on a Monday.
I eventually had him committed to Manerva House where he was in treatment for a couple of months. It was while he was there that I found out he was a drug addict, the results from his tests showed crystallisation in his kidneys and his nasal passage had worn away from the cocaine usage over many years. I always thought he was an alcoholic, I am still pretty naïve as far as drugs go.
One day he drove in the driveway after work and my youngest who was just over three ran and hid behind my legs whilst I was in the kitchen cooking. That simple response to hearing him coming home was what made me ask for the divorce, FINALLY, I found the strength to protect my daughters, I was not going to bring my girls up in an abusive home which was plagued with alcohol induced abuse like I was.
He did recover from his overdose and he went on to have several relationships and children thereafter. He had little interest in his girls as he had new one’s and the little relationship that was there disappeared. My second husband eventually adopted my girls.
This post shows you how complex abuse is, I could have written only about the pills but my decision not to phone would have been perceived very differently. It's a lot of explaining to do and this is what victims experience each day.
They say don't put to much into your affidavit but without it your case is weakened.
Reflecting on this traumatic episode, healing is not a linear process. It resurfaces unexpectedly, echoing the silent cries of countless survivors. In an era devoid of internet resources and support networks, I faced domestic violence alone.
Today, with increased awareness, campaigns, and social connectivity, we must collectively combat gender-based violence.
This tale, etched 34 years ago, serves as a reminder of the enduring impact of abuse. As we work towards eradicating this societal scourge, let it resonate that our responsibility extends beyond personal boundaries to safeguard our women, children, communities, and workplaces.
Together, let us strive for a world where the echoes of trauma are replaced by the resilience of survivors and the collective strength of a society united against gender-based violence.
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