A couple separated in October 2020 and the divorce process is ongoing.
Shortly after the separation, the wife and child moved from the former matrimonial home in Kyalami, Midrand (where the husband remains resident), to Pretoria East.
Whilst not knowing the full story or reading the court documents, a few observations and questions come to mind.
1. They have been separated since October 2020 and the divorce is still ongoing - Why is it taking so long?
Is it the financial aspects or co-parenting that is holding the divorce up?
I suspect both as there are professionals involved some of who are involved to resolve the co-parenting.
2. Their child must have been about 18 months old when they got separated. The mother appears to be the primary parent as she took the child to play school if not every day, most days.
3. The mother moved to Pretoria East when they got separated - has the fact that she moved to Pretoria East always been an issue or just now?
I suspect selective. He states she enrolled their child at a play school near her. This might be because she had to find employment or she had employment and needed to place the child in care during the day, it has been 3 years do one can assume there is acceptance.
4. Does the mother live alone or with family, not many women can afford their own accommodation unless she is employed and or provided for during the separation.
"He complained that this left 100% of transportation for him between Kyalami and Pretoria. This resulted in him spending hours in traffic to exercise contact with the child."
5. Did he have contact with the child during the week and if so how many times a week? Was the inconvenience to him greater than that to the mother who did it more regularly?
6. The husband alleged that since their separation, the wife had adopted a high-handed and dictatorial approach to all decisions about the child’s care and had made unilateral decisions. The wife, on the other hand, said that the husband has made ever-increasing demands that are not in the interest of their child.
7. When you are together couples make joint decisions or one would make certain decisions like financing and the other to do with running the household and the childcare, these are often gendered.
You can imagine the conversation going something like "We need to find somewhere for our child to go when I go back to work". "Find somewhere that is convenient for you as you will be doing most of the dropping and collecting"
So you separate and now the same logic is not applied.
8. Power imbalances - he says she adopted a high-handed and dictatorial approach since they got separated. Was she more compliant in the matrimonial home and now that she is not she can be more assertive? Is he pushing back?
9.She says "he is making ever-increasing demands that are not in the best interest of the child.". - When it seems people no longer have the control they used to, they exert it in other ways.
The judge stated "Sadly divorce, separation or any kind of dispute between the mother and the father exposes children to a great deal of acrimony. Ordinarily, while the parents engage in a legal battle, the poor children become the arena of the struggle.”
10.The parents started discussing schools in March last year, the father wanted the child enrolled at a school in Centurian, and he says the mother said she would consider it.
What happened between March and September?
How many discussions were had around this and how did they end? I guess they did not go well because the mother enrolled their child at a school near her.
11. Did she ever have a choice/voice during the discussions or was it an 'instruction' that she did not comply with, he states she 'misled' him because she said she would consider it.
She appears to have considered it and it being 29kms away it was not the best option. You might think she only considered her conveniance, well if she is the primary parent and doing most of the driving her circumstances should be the main consideration.
The distance is not just kilometers driven, it is the time spent driving, the time a 5-year-old would have to wake up every day. The petrol cost, 29kms x maybe 4, the wear and tear on the car. How far would it be from her place of work if she was working?
12. When he found out he informed the school that he did not consent.
"Experts who are counseling the parents and the child advised the parties that it was important for the child to attend a school midway between the parties' respective homes for ease of contact between both parents."
13. Who are these 'experts' are they hired guns? Are there regulations and Codes of Best Practice for these experts?
14. The court meanwhile disagreed with the idea of the school halfway between the parties' respective homes. It said for the child to make it in time every day to school, it means she will have to leave her mother’s home in the early hours of the morning so that the mother could navigate the traffic.
“Surely that will be torture for the child and it will be serving the interest of the parents and disregarding the best interest of the child,” the court said in ordering the mother’s choice of the school."
15. If these experts were domestic violence informed and not biased, they were they would have focused on the child's best interest and taken the primary parent's circumstances into consideration because it is in the child's best interest because that parent is doing the daily care work.
As an expert on coercive behaviour, one can see signs of the behaviour. This is a textbook.
One takes into consideration, power imbalances, timelines, the words used, and the punishment and reward of compliance. The self-focus - one party was more focused on self.
I am sure if she had the financial means she would have approached the court before he did.
There is more to this story, it is not over by a long shot.
The core issue needs to be identified and addressed until then, this will continue.
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