Domestic violence and the world of work

Sue a victim survivor of domestic violence shared her story with me of how domestic violence impacted in her workspace.

She had to attend a sales conference which was held out of town and all the top management were attending, they drove in several cars to the venue which was several hours away and left early in the morning. It had been arranged that they would stop over at a dam for breakfast, this delayed them in arriving and checking in to the hotel.

When they arrived at the hotel several people told her to report to reception immediately, there was a pile of messages to phone her ex husband, lets call him Joe, all were urgent, there were a few from her mother as well, she thought that something had happened to one of her children who were very young at the time and were at home with the nanny and Joe. She phoned her mother first, her mother said "are you okay" because Joe had phoned her several times saying he is worried that something had happened to her as he estimated it should only take so many hours and she had not arrived. Sue told her they had stopped for breakfast and that everything was fine and that she would phone him. Sue then phoned Joe from the reception. He screamed so loud that the hotel staff and others that were checking in could hear him screaming at her, he accused her of stopping on the way and having sex with a coworker. She kept trying to tell him that they had all stopped for breakfast but he did not believe her, he never did, people could see that she was visibly upset, it was not long and everybody knew about Joe's calls. Her intimate partner violence was not a private matter anymore, back then she knew very little about domestic violence and companies even less so.

It did not stop there, he would phone Sue several times a day, before breakfast, at lunch time, before and after dinner, mobile phones were not a thing yet. She would have to run back to the room because if she was not there when he called it was trouble, he threatened to drive down if she did not take his calls. If her room mate was on a call to her husband when he called, they would cut her call and put Joe through, everybody knew about Joe. Her colleagues tried their best to support her, her seniour manager even spoke to him once because Sue was not available to take his call, it was very embarrassing for her. She eventually had to leave that company as there were several occasions that she could not attend company functions because it would cause trouble for her.

One occasion her married seniour manager took advantage of her vulnerability, his comforting became frequent and eventually they had sex.  Sue lived in constant fear that Joe would find out.

The next company Sue joined did not have many staff members and less company functions and that was a conscious choice to avoid problems for herself and in her workspace. Due to being less members people were more observant and she could not conceal the bruises as well as she had been able to and people started noticing them. A male colleague was the first, he asked her if everything was okay at home as he had seen the bruises and he noticed that somedays Sue was not herself. When she told him he was so incensed that he threatened to find Joe and give him a hiding, Sue pleaded with him not to as it would just create more trouble. She eventually resigned from that company, and took an office job where she had little contact with men and their pay was substantially less than what she had been earning, Sue was also more isolated now.

Her domestic abuse not only impacted on her but it impacted on her work and her colleagues, her pay cut made her more dependent on him. Some days she did not go to work because either she had not slept or he had assaulted her, some days while she was at work her productivity was very low because she was either processing what had happened or fearful of what was going to happen. At one stage she weighed 43 kilograms from the stress. Sue did eventually leave Joe.

Sometimes the workspace is the only safe space for victims.

Gender based violence is a broad - term for various forms of abuse inflicted on individuals, it is multifaceted and embedded in personal, situational and social-cultural contexts based on gender norms and unequal power relations which is embedded in biases and discrimination.  The different forms of GBV are sexual harassment, sexual violence, physical violence, coercive and controlling behavior, intimidation, harassment, discrimination, psychological and emotional violence, stalking and cyber bullying.

It's become increasingly evident that addressing gender-based violence is not just a moral imperative but also a business necessity.

Not all organizations have a clear policy and code of conduct that explicitly addresses harassment in the workplace and supports employees who are victims of domestic violence, it is critically important for all employers to have a policy in place against any form of harassment in the workplace and included in the policy how to support employees who experience domestic violence.

Employers across the globe have demonstrated their ability to prioritize staff health and well-being, especially during challenging times like the COVID-19 pandemic. They've implemented new systems and protocols to maintain productivity while ensuring their employees feel supported and valued.

Gender-based violence affects everyone, everywhere - at work, at ho

me, and in social settings. And it's up to all of us to address it, not just during designated awareness periods but every single day.

According to the Code of Good Practice outlined in The Employment Equity Act of 1998, employers have a duty to prevent, eliminate, and manage all forms of harassment in the workplace. This not only fosters a culture of equity and equality but also safeguards the well-being of your staff.

The costs of gender-based violence are staggering, both economically and emotionally. In South Africa alone, it's estimated to cost between R28.4 and R42.4 billion per year due to decreased productivity, lost wages, and other related expenses. And the impact doesn't stop there - it affects the morale of your employees and tarnishes your organization's reputation.

But there is hope. By taking proactive steps to address gender-based violence in the workplace, we can make a difference.

Together, we can create a safer, more supportive workplace for everyone. Let's stand united against gender-based violence and make a positive impact in our organizations and communities.

Safe Work Dynamics are trainings and courses we offer for businesses:

Creating awareness of gender-based violence in the workplace,

Domestic violence and the impact in the workplace,

Developing policies for the workplace,

Client vulnerability policy,

Assist in awareness campaigns.

To book a consultation email me at felicity@felicityguest.com

Strategies for changing individual behaviour and mindsets of everyone involved in the world of work need to work alongside shifts in workplace practices and policies. 

The South African workplace can be a micro-system of the broader society where violence is pervasive, employees are both victims and perpetrators,  but the workplace also has the potential for being a space free of GBV.

Whilst GBV is not discriminatory it disproportionately affects women and other marginalised groups who make up the LGBTQ+++ community.  One in two women and one in five men experience abuse, it is for this reason that when we talk about GBV we normally refer to women being victims taking into account the other influences which contribute to women and other marginalised groups of people being more vulnerable to abuse.

Make a commitment and take action, we can all play a part in stopping this epidemic.

Mediating Divorces

This article appeared in the Sunday Times about 4 years ago regarding mediation for couples divorcing. Somehow the press realized divorces could be mediated.

Divorce agreements have been mediated for years and remedial action for disputes thereafter to be mediated before litigated.

People need to understand that navigating Family courts is not what it is perceived it to be. They are putting a band-aid on a seeping wound, in fact, often lawyers, mediators, social workers, and courts infect the wound with septicemia.

This was my comment in the article.

"The concept paper is brilliant but like all things implementation is imperative, our government has a poor history in implementing brilliant concepts and legislation, we just have to look at our Constitution.  Many people still do not know the significance of the Bill of Rights, where to find it, and why this is, across the socio-economic spectrum.  This remedial action should be part of marriage contracts, co-parenting should be the norm in antenatal classes, the high divorce rate is a reality and post-marriage should be discussed so that parents are better informed should it happen".

Let's be honest, who goes into a marriage thinking about divorce other than when considering the marriage contract, and that is mainly influenced by protecting current or future wealth.

I have become a lot more informed and I would have responded differently had this been posed today.

If couples separate and it is mostly amicable then divorces can be successfully mediated to the benefit of both parties in a short period of time.

With the high rate of domestic violence we can't ignore DV in divorces, most victims say they were not heard in mediation (private mediators and lawyers) and to move on, they are told to put the past behind them. Victims are coerced into not pursuing protection orders as it will cause ongoing conflict.

The research shows us that the abuse does not stop, often it escalates.  Post-relationship abuse is often worse because it is more covert and people are ignorant about the kinds of abuse post-relationship, and the immediate and long-term impacts.

Coercive controlling behavior has devastating consequences and many people in the value chain are complicit and perpetrators in the abuse. 

If mediating Domestic Violence cases within the court system is tantamount to malpractice and it defeats the objectives of the Domestic Violence Act as per the recent directive issued as a result of our lobbying against mediation in DV cases we need to now focus on mediating divorces, co-parenting, and maintenance.

Domestic violence is domestic violence and there needs to be policies and directives about ALL forms of domestic violence in ALL SITUATIONS

There needs to be proper legislation informing the criteria for qualifications for mediators and which cases are suitable for mediation.  This can't be discretionary because those who have discretion are not always suitably qualified to be discerning about DV.

In addition, we have to be cognizant of the unequal socioeconomics of South Africa, many do not have the financial means to pay mediators, and it is unconstitutional to prejudice or exclude a person based on their economic situation. The Family Advocates Office which is state-funded and free should be more accessible to more people like the CCMA. The Office of the Family Advocate already faces challenges due to the lack of resources.

I am not against mediation, if used correctly by qualified professionals in the right circumstances it produces great outcomes.

I AM AGAINST MEDIATION BEING PUSHED as the best solution especially when the agreement is facilitated by mediators with minimal qualifications and training. When agreements are signed with consent (often coerced) by both parties and made an order by the court it is legally binding. It is not mandatory to have a legal qualification to be a mediator.

The fact that our courts are overburdened and under-resourced is being used to manipulate people into agreeing (coerced) to mediation in family matters.

Definition of adversarial (of a trial or legal proceedings) in which the parties in a dispute have the responsibility for finding and presenting evidence.

"an adversarial system of justice"

The court requires evidence, but mediation does not, abusers are master manipulators, and manipulating mediators and court officials is a slam dunk for them.

Civil Court is unemotional and in most cases agre, an agreement is reached before court dates. DV is a criminal offense, emotional abuse by it's its nature is emotional so to minimize the covert non-physical violence goes against the intention of the DV Act.

A full risk assessment should be mandatory for all family matters that require intervention or finalization.

Complexity of Trauma from Abuse

We had been separated a few months for the umpteenth time when I received a call from a mutual friend around 20.00pm one evening to say that he was on his way to my home and that he was very intoxicated and in a strange mood.

I had experienced this so many times and I knew what this meant, it meant trouble. I went into my girls bedroom to check on them they were still very young, thank goodness they were fast asleep, hopefully they would be spared tonight, a short while later I heard his motor car pull up at the house.

He came in through the kitchen, I could not prevent him from coming in because if I did he would create a scene which would wake my girls up and the neighbours would hear, so when he approached the kitchen door I let him in, he said he wanted to talk, this was not the first time he had been back to the house since he had moved out but there was something different about his mood tonight.

After another manipulating sob story of how very sorry he was this time and things will be different he promised, he asked for a glass of water. By this time we were in the lounge, I went and got him a glass of water and when I looked for him to give him the water I found him standing in the bedroom. I gave him the water and I asked him to please go back to the lounge as this was it, there was never going to be another chance.

He did not make any effort to go back to the lounge, instead he put his hand in his pocket and took out his medication which I knew were antidepressants and sleeping pills, and then he said;

“I am going to drink all these pills and you know that it will kill me, I will die on ‘our’ bed and every time you f…. another man on ‘our’ bed I will haunt you, I will haunt you for the rest of your life.”

With that said he swallowed the handful of medication.

I asked him if he wanted me to phone an ambulance to which he said no

I said "are you sure, are you absolutely sure?” he said “no”. I went to the back door and called my children’s nanny and said "there is trouble please just make sure the girls are okay," she went into the girls room and I closed the door.

I immediately phoned his best friend and told him what he had done and that if he wanted to save his friend he could, that I was done with his manipulation. When I got off the phone he was sitting on the bed and just kept saying “I will haunt you for the rest of your f……. life”

 A short while later his friend arrived, he had phoned the ambulance services immediately after my call. I was talking to him in the kitchen when we heard a loud thud, the ex had become unconscious and fallen off the bed just as the paramedics arrived, I told them what had happened and gave them the pill bottles, he was lying on his side and he looked dead, I was scared. As much as I refused to phone for an ambulance I did not want him to die.

They went into the bedroom and I went into the children's bedroom as I heard the girls voices, I did not want them to come out of the room and see all this. As I came out of their room I saw the paramedics had ripped his shirt off and were applying electronic shocks to his chest, he was laying on his back and was completely unresponsive. My stealth had disappeared and I became gripped with fear, I thought that he was really dead.

I have no idea how long it was but somebody eventually said “we have a heartbeat”. They had by this time also put a drip up. As soon as they thought he was stable enough they very quickly put him on a stretcher, loaded him into the ambulance and whisked him off to The Glynwood private hospital.

His friend and I spoke for a short while before going to the hospital to fill in the forms, I said to his friend, It might seem like it was a absurd and I was heartless but after uttering those haunting threats, I stood at a cross road. I chose to break free from the chains of abuse severing the toxic ties that bound me. The consequences could have been severe but it was a pivotal moment of liberation.

To those reading this I know this might not make sense to you, it does seem an odd response in a life and death situation but when you have been physically, emotionally, mentally and financially abused for years one's rationality is very different.

His grandfather passed away in front of me on the way to the operating theatre less than a year prior to that, he was nowhere to be seen, everything was my responsibility, that very night he said he was leaving me, can you imagine.

His grandmother begged him not to leave, I begged him not to leave but he was resolute, he said he no longer loved me. I felt completely rejected and unworthy. What a time to leave, what a time to express he no longer loved me or wanted to be married to me.

My youngest was only two years old and my other daughter 3 at the time. I had to be there emotionally for his grandmother as I had to arrange his grandfather’s funeral, neither of them spoke English as they had retired here from Germany not even a year earlier and conveniently placed near to where I lived, by him and his family, no consideration for the fact I that I had to work and I had two young children. It became my responsibility to take them to the shops, to the doctor and to check up on them.

After this incident I moved in with my sister and her family, myself, my daughters, my cats and dogs. The one night he came and stole my Standard Poodle and St Bernard, I woke up in the morning and my dogs were gone, I was besides myself and wondered if he had taken them but thought that somebody had stolen them. Just then the same mutual friend phoned me to say he had taken them, he stole them in the dead of night and he took them to her house, I immediately drove to Benoni to fetch them. He then disappeared for about six weeks, no contact what so ever.

I had to go for counselling I was falling apart. back in those days Radio 702 had a clinic near town, I went for counselling there for three months and I was just getting stronger when one night I was out with a mutual friend and had met a fabulous guy that night. We only chattered but he did contact me again. We had made arrangements to go to the Vaal Dam, the day before my ex came to my sister's house and after not seeing him for over six weeks he had the audacity to lecture me about other men, needless to say we had a huge fight. He just wanted to see the girls, so I went inside to get the girls which my sister and brother in law were guarding fiercely, my eldest was his favourite and just after she ran to him and jumped into his arms, he ran down the road with her. My sister ran after him, I had never seen my sister run so fast and she managed to grab him and hold him till I could get my daughter back. He did because another mutual friend had told him about this guy I had met as I was out with her when I met him. Needless to say I never saw the guy again out of fear of what my ex would do. Unbeknown to me my ex had moved in with a woman yet here he was aggrieved that I had met a man socially, nothing even serious.

I did go back to him eventually, he was admitted to hospital with a ‘breakdown’ and between him and his mother they convinced me that he needed me and his children, that he had realised his mistakes. Little did I know at the time that he had been living with another woman during those months we separated. I did mention to his mother was that I suspected he was on drugs and she asked the doctor to test for drugs while he was in hospital. When he came out of hospital he was okay for three weeks and then it started all over again, he wrote another car off whilst drunk, he would go to work on a Friday morning and come home on a Monday.

I eventually had him committed to Manerva House where he was in treatment for a couple of months. It was while he was there that I found out he was a drug addict, the results from his tests showed crystallisation in his kidneys and his nasal passage had worn away from the cocaine usage over many years. I always thought he was an alcoholic, I am still pretty naïve as far as drugs go.

One day he drove in the driveway after work and my youngest who was just over three ran and hid behind my legs whilst I was in the kitchen cooking. That simple response to hearing him coming home was what made me ask for the divorce, FINALLY, I found the strength to protect my daughters, I was not going to bring my girls up in an abusive home which was plagued with alcohol induced abuse like I was.

He did recover from his overdose and he went on to have several relationships and children thereafter. He had little interest in his girls as he had new one’s and the little relationship that was there disappeared. My second husband eventually adopted my girls.

This post shows you how complex abuse is, I could have written only about the pills but my decision not to phone would have been perceived very differently. It's a lot of explaining to do and this is what victims experience each day.

They say don't put to much into your affidavit but without it your case is weakened.

Reflecting on this traumatic episode, healing is not a linear process. It resurfaces unexpectedly, echoing the silent cries of countless survivors. In an era devoid of internet resources and support networks, I faced domestic violence alone.

Today, with increased awareness, campaigns, and social connectivity, we must collectively combat gender-based violence.

This tale, etched 34 years ago, serves as a reminder of the enduring impact of abuse. As we work towards eradicating this societal scourge, let it resonate that our responsibility extends beyond personal boundaries to safeguard our women, children, communities, and workplaces.

Together, let us strive for a world where the echoes of trauma are replaced by the resilience of survivors and the collective strength of a society united against gender-based violence.